


If He'd Only Known

by lizzy_stardust_18



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alcohol, Canon Typical Warnings, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, based off the idea that maybe his altercation with connor, bc no offense some of y'all act like jared killed connor himself, but listen he's a good boy he's just not a very nice boy, this is basically a Jared character study, was not just him being a dick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-27 01:21:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14414568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizzy_stardust_18/pseuds/lizzy_stardust_18
Summary: Why did Jared even need to be a part of the Connor project in the first place? Jared didn't even know Connor Murphy that well. At least, that's what he told everyone, including himself.





	If He'd Only Known

**Author's Note:**

> come yell at me on tumblr if you want: https://lizzy-stardust-13.tumblr.com/

Jared sighed and set the bottle down on his desk. He had been saving this bottle of whiskey for a night of shooting the shit with Evan, but, he thought darkly, that ship had long since sailed, in fact he would go so far as to say it sank at sea. He shook his head. He didn't need to think about Evan and all of the shit that went down between them. In fact, he was drinking precisely to forget about him. He took another swig of whiskey, grimacing at the taste. His phone flashed with a notification. **(1 voicemail from: Acorn Boy.)** He felt his stomach sink. It was probably Evan letting Jared know that his role in the Connor project was going to Alana or some shit. He elected to ignore it. He didn't want to hear Evan's voice right then.

 

He wished he'd never gotten roped into this Connor project shit. He wished he hadn't gotten invested. He wished he didn’t feel this shitty obligation to Connor’s “memory” or whatever it was that kept him there. He wished he'd never given Evan the ability to hurt him so badly. A sick part of him wished Evan had never gotten so popular that he could ignore Jared. Hell, he almost wished he'd never met Evan Hansen. Why did Jared even need to be a part of the Connor project in the first place? Jared didn't even know Connor Murphy that well. At least, that's what he told everyone, including himself. It was partially true. He couldn't have considered them friends. They'd gotten high together a few times, sure, but it would be a stretch to call what occurred on those nights _friendship_. They had a strange series of interactions, and Jared had never really been sure if they meant anything to Connor.

 

He had tried not to think about him before Connor died, but now that he was gone, Jared couldn't push Connor out of his mind. He couldn't help but feel a sense of guilt, even though he tried to repress it. Connor had never been easy to be around, and Jared knew it wasn't his fault that Connor had killed himself, but he couldn't stop himself from wondering what could have happened if he'd only known. Had Connor been dropping hints and Jared never understood them? Or was there no way he could have known at all?

 

_Their odd relationship had started last year in English. Jared had made an offhand remark about Connor’s handwriting and Connor had responded by sassing Jared to within an inch of his life. Since that first interaction, Jared had been intrigued by Connor, who seemed able to understand Jared’s sense of humor in a way that most just didn’t. So he continued to try to find ways to provoke Connor in the hope that Connor would dish it as well as take it from him. Jared would start with an insult and Connor would fire one right back at him. Jared was always obnoxious as hell, so much so that he was certain that Connor hated him for the longest time, but Connor surprised him during one work day._

 

_“Hey Connor, nice emo look you got there, you got some pedophile rock singers to impress tonight or something?” Jared said, setting his books down beside Connor with a loud thump._

 

_Connor looked him up and down. “Well I'm certainly not trying to impress future game design dropouts with glasses that scream “virgin,” if that's what you're asking.” Connor bent over to scribble something on a piece of paper._

 

_“Hey, we just have different lifestyles, I'm saving myself for marriage, you're saving yourself for your seventh grade emo fans.”_

 

_“‘Saving yourself’” implies you'd improve anyone’s life by waiting,” Connor said with a smirk. “I pity the woman who gets stuck with you.”_

 

_“Well, good thing I'm gay,” Jared said before he realized what exactly he'd told Connor. He tried to play it off casually, as though he hadn't just come out for the first real time to Connor fucking Murphy of all people. Connor regarded him curiously before shrugging._

 

_“I pity the man who gets stuck with you, then.”_

 

_“Hey, I may be a virgin, but I do know what makes a fella feel good,” Jared said with a shark toothed grin._

 

_“Prove it,” Connor said, sliding a small piece of paper over to Jared. It was a phone number. Connor's phone number. Holy shit._

 

_That was how Jared ended up sitting on the floor of Connor's room four hours later, his fingers threaded in Connor's hair as Connor blew smoke into his mouth. Jared hated the smell of weed, but it was an easy smell to overlook when his other senses were overwhelmed with Connor in his lap, rocking his hips back and forth and putting the blunt between his lips and inhaling before pressing his mouth to Jared's. Jared blushed at the sight of Connor's cheeks hollowing out when he took another hit. He tried not to imagine what else Connor's mouth could do to him, but it was hard not to think about, especially once Connor was kissing him in earnest, the blunt abandoned at his side. Connor ran his tongue sloppily over Jared's, and it should have been disgusting, but it was hot as all hell. Connor was impatient, clearly, because his hands frantically moved all over Jared's body before settling on his belt buckle. “Fuck me, Jared,” Connor whispered against Jared's lips._

 

_“Connor I uh, I don't know what to do,” he said, putting his hands awkwardly on Connor's hips. “Like believe me, I'm so down for this but uh, what do I...Do?”_

 

_“It's okay, I'll show you,” Connor said, leaning in to kiss Jared reassuringly. He wrapped his legs around Jared and pulled him down so that he was on top of Connor this time. They made quick, fumbling work of their clothing, and soon Jared was losing his virginity to Connor Murphy. He'd never pictured his first time to be like this, with both of them high out of their minds and Connor's nails digging into his back, urging him to keep going, faster, faster, but there he was, and he wasn't complaining._

 

_He was ashamed, however, because he was fucking Connor, but his mind was, as it usually was, on Evan Hansen. He couldn't stop thinking about how Evan would look if he was the one lying naked underneath Jared, if he would smile like Connor did when Jared kissed his face, if he would blush all over if Jared took his shirt off… He tried to push the thoughts out of his mind, but they persisted, and Jared felt a pang of guilt as Connor pulled him in for a final searing kiss. A sick feeling overcame him as he lay on top of Connor after they were done (they didn't cuddle exactly, but Jared's fingers were in Connor's hair and Connor wasn't pushing Jared off of him anytime soon.) He felt like a giant asshole. As clever and undeniably sexy as Connor was, Jared didn't feel anything for him. His heart was stuck on Evan. Who was stuck on Zoe, and could never love Jared. He was fucked._

 

_Jared went back to Connor in a similar fashion several times after they first had sex. He knew he didn't really like Connor, but it was better to be with Connor than it was to be alone. He suspected that Connor had had a similar thought process about Jared. He could tell Connor knew what Jared felt, though, because there was an undertone of sadness in all of their interactions after that. Jared tried to make up for it with un-Jared-like levels of tenderness that surprised both of them, but they both knew whatever this was between them could never last. However, that didn't stop Connor from crying in Jared's arms after a night of Jared being uncharacteristically saccharine. “I just want someone to love me,” Connor had whispered. Jared had replied “someone will.” Jared wondered, sometimes, in moments of extreme guilt, if Connor might have had a better chance at life if Jared had replied “I do.” He likely wouldn't have, though. Pretend love can't save a life. Both of them knew that all too well._

 

_They stopped talking over the summer when Jared left for camp, and he didn’t hear from Connor at all until they both got back to school that fateful first day. Jared had tried to continue their usual pattern of teasing, but Connor wasn't into it one bit, and Jared couldn't help but feel an odd mix of disappointment and relief that Connor didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. He said “you're such a freak” in response to Connor's odd reaction, but his heart wasn't in it. He just didn't want to think about Connor anymore. He felt too guilty about using him._

 

Jared drunkenly kicked himself thinking about the memories of that first day back. How did he not see what was wrong with Connor? Why didn't he notice that Connor was in pain? Why did he only think about himself and his stupid crush on Evan?

Jared was broken out of his self-pitying reverie by his phone lighting up again with a new notification. **(1 voicemail from: Queen High D Hansen)** Shit. Why was Heidi calling him? Did something happen? He unlocked his phone and opened her voicemail.

 

_“Jared, is Evan over there? I’m worried about him. I haven’t seen him since this morning, and he didn’t speak a word to me today. Is he alright? Can you call me back?”_

 

Jared felt a sense of dread overwhelm him. He was still pissed as hell at Evan, but if something was wrong with him...shit, he didn’t want to think about it. His finger hovered over the voicemail Evan had sent him. He almost didn’t want to hear it. But he knew he had to. Especially if Heidi was calling him. He opened Evan’s voicemail, feeling like a ton of bricks had settled in his stomach.

 

 _“Jared. Hi. I know you don’t want to hear from me right now. That’s okay. I wouldn’t want to hear from me either, especially after all I did. But I just wanted you to know that you were right. God, you were right about everything. I fucked up. I really fucked up, Jared. The Murphys they uh, they know. They know it was--”_ Jared could hear Evan make a quiet sob on the other end. _“--it was all a lie. But I didn’t tell them you were in on it. I didn’t tell anyone. You’re safe.”_ Jared’s stomach turned over. Evan had covered for him, even after their massive falling out. He didn’t know what to make of that.

 

 _“Jared, you’re-you’re an asshole, but I miss you so much. You knew the truth about me when no one else did. And I just...I just let you go. I let go, Jared, why did I let go?”_ There was a long pause filled only with Evan’s quiet sobbing. _“I’m sorry, Jared. I’m sorry. Jared, please, I know I’m not that important to you, but please don’t hate me. For this.”_

 

“What the fuck, Evan?” Jared said incredulously. What did Evan mean? Evan wasn’t...suicidal, was he? He couldn’t be. Evan was so sweet, so full of life. Evan practically blew sunshine out of his ass, albeit very shyly. Hell, he had started the bullshit Connor Project to give other people reasons to live. He knew Evan had issues, but he couldn’t picture him wanting to _die_. Evan was just so...Evan. He couldn’t kill himself, he just couldn’t. The thought of a world without Evan Hansen made Jared’s stomach turn.  

 

He knew Evan was alone now, though. The Murphys couldn’t have taken too kindly to losing their perception of their son as a sweetheart who loved apple orchards, and there was no way in the world Evan wouldn’t have gotten the boot after they found out the emails were fake. Evan probably only had his mom now, and while Heidi worked her frigging ass off every day to make Evan feel okay, Jared knew that she couldn’t be everything for Evan all the time, and Evan’s loneliness would inevitably creep in.

 

Jared felt bile rising in his throat as he remembered another thing that Evan had said on the first day of school about falling out of a tree, and he felt like punching himself.

 

_“You fell out of a tree? What are you, an acorn?”_

 

_“I let go, Jared, why did I let go?”_

 

Jared dragged a hand down his face. “I’m a fucking asshole,” he groaned. How could have he not seen what was going on with Evan? Evan, who was his only friend, his whole world? How could he have been so blind? His fingers shook as he typed out a text.

 

 **New message to Acorn Boy:** evan im coming to get u dont do anything stupid

 

The response was almost immediate.

 

 **New message from Acorn Boy:** You don’t know where I am. Don’t bother.

 

 **New message to Acorn Boy:** im gonna find u and when i do im kickin ur ass STAY THERE EVAN

 

He shakily called Heidi. She sounded like she’d been crying when she picked up.

 

“Jared, please tell me Evan is there.”

 

“He’s not. Do you have any idea where he might be?”

 

“I’ve checked everywhere he usually goes. He’s not there. Jared, do you think something happened to him?”

 

“Not yet. He responded when I texted him, but I think he’s about to do something stupid. Do you think…” he trailed off, his mind scrambling for an answer as to where Evan might be. “Mrs. Hansen do you think he might be at the park?”

 

“I haven’t looked there, do you think that’s where he is?” Her voice was desperate.

 

“He might be there.”

 

“I’m going to go there now.”

 

“Can you take me there too? I’m not fit to drive right now, but I have to find him.”

 

“Yes, of course. Thank you, Jared. You’re such a good friend to him.” _Not really,_ he thought grimly. Evan clearly hadn’t told his mom the details of what happened between them, otherwise she wouldn’t say Jared was a good friend. Fuck, he’d been terrible. How many times had he joked about Evan falling out of a tree? How many times had he hurt Evan without intending to? Come to think of it, he didn’t think there was a time when he hadn’t caused Evan pain. He heard Heidi’s car pull up in his driveway and he shook the thoughts out of his head. There was a time and a place to think those things, and this was not it.

 

He wordlessly got into the car with Heidi. She tapped nervously on the steering wheel. Jared bit his lip. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to do. She started driving towards the park. She hadn’t broken down yet, but he could tell she was going to cry soon.

 

“It’s gonna be alright, Mrs. Hansen,” he said. She nodded and pursed her lips. They spent the rest of the car ride in tense silence until they pulled into the parking lot near the park. The two of them got out of the car and began to scour the park for any sign of Evan. Jared made a beeline for the line of trees around the park. He knew that if Evan was anywhere here, it would be up a tree.

 

“Evan!” he called out. “Evan Hansen! I’m going to kick your ass!” He didn’t hear an answer. He kept looking, feeling panic rising in his chest. A minute dragged on in which he kept looking into the trees trying to find a glimpse of Evan anywhere. Finally, he saw a flash of golden hair in a tree far behind the others. Figures. Of course Evan would choose to jump out of the tree that no one would notice coming into the park. Jared felt his chest squeezing at the sight of Evan tucked precariously between two branches, tears drying on his face. He was wearing an oversized gray hoodie, which helped him to blend into the dark bark of the tree, and from the ground he looked so small. His face bore an expression that was more than dejected, it was...empty. He looked completely hopeless. He stared off into the distance, not even registering that Jared was there.

 

“Evan, if you’re planning to jump from there I swear to God I’ll--”

 

“Go away, Jared,” Evan said, not looking down at him.

 

“No,” Jared said.

 

“Just leave me alone. Can’t you do even that?” The words stung Jared, but he pushed past the hurt feeling. Evan sounded so, so tired.

 

“No, I’m an asshole. And a shitty friend. I’ve never fucking treated you the way you’ve wanted me to, and I’m not going to start now. I’m gonna stand right here until you get down from there.” Evan didn’t respond, but he just looked down at Jared. His eyes were filled with pain.

 

“Evan, listen,” Jared said, his voice shaking, “I know I fucked up, alright? I was an awful friend.”

 

“Family friend,” Evan said, folding in on himself. “Didn’t you always say that was what you were? A family friend who only hung out with me for your car insurance?”

 

Jared couldn’t bring himself to deny that he’d said any of that. “Yes, that’s what I used to say. You think you’re the only one who lies?” Evan stared at him incredulously.

 

Jared took a deep breath. If there was any time to tell Evan the truth about why he’d acted the way he had, this was it. “I pay my own car insurance. I haven’t been back to summer camp in years. I didn’t know how to backdate emails until you were in hot water and I learned how to do it so you could cover your ass. I joined the Connor Project because I was a dick to Connor and also because I wanted to be someone you’d need in your endeavor to save the fucking world so you wouldn’t leave me behind. I got scared and jealous when you got popular because I knew once you realized what a piece of shit I am, you’d be fine without me and I wouldn’t be fine without you. And now I’m all alone in the world but you fucking aren’t and there are so many people who love you so _can you please get down from_ _that fucking tree_?” Jared sobbed and covered his face with one hand. He hated how vulnerable he looked in front of Evan, especially when Evan was the one about to attempt suicide. _Good going, Jared, you managed to make even his suicide attempt about you. This is why you don’t have any fucking friends,_ he thought.

 

His vision swam with hot tears and he couldn’t do anything to stop them. He hung his head, his shoulders shaking as he cried. He heard footsteps behind him and a hand made its way to his shoulder. He didn’t need to look to know that Heidi was standing behind him, looking up at her son in the tree. Jared heard a thumping noise and he looked up, fearing for the worst. Evan had climbed down the tree and was now standing in front of the both of them, fresh tears streaming down his face. Heidi ran to him and wrapped her arms around him, sobbing. He hugged her back. “Mom,” he croaked, “Mom I’m so sorry.”

 

Jared was so overwhelmed with relief upon seeing Evan safely out of the tree that his knees buckled, and he sat down on the ground, burying his head in his hands. He felt a hand on his knee and looked up to see Evan looking at him imploringly. “Jared,” Evan said, and it was like a dam broke between them. Jared lurched forward and pulled Evan close to him, clutching him like a lifeline.

 

“You idiot,” he sobbed. Evan’s arms wrapped around him. “Evan, I never knew, I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”

 

“I didn’t know you felt so alone either,” Evan murmured. “And I didn’t know you uh, cared so much.”

 

“Well, here I am, alone and caring,” Jared said, chuckling in spite of his own tears.

 

“You’re not alone, Jared, I’m here,” Evan said. Jared stared at him incredulously.

 

“What the fuck is wrong with you? You nearly jumped out of a tree tonight and now you’re offering _me_ support?” Jared pulled back and smacked Evan lightly on the arm. “Quit being nice for five fucking seconds, you asshole!”

 

Evan looked from Jared to Heidi, who was standing next to the pair with a hand over her mouth, and he burst out laughing. “We’re a couple of messes, aren’t we?” Jared laughed and nodded before pulling him into another hug. He felt another set of arms wrap around the both of them and he leaned into Heidi’s embrace.

 

“You’re not allowed to scare me like that again, Evan,” Heidi said, “and Jared, you’re not allowed to start scaring me. We need to take care of each other. All of us.”

 

Evan was the first to pull away. He nodded. “Yes, Mom,” he said.

 

“Why did you do it?” Heidi asked, reaching for Evan’s hand and squeezing it.

 

“I just...I don’t know, I felt like no one would miss me, especially now that the truth is out to the Murphys.”

 

“I would miss you,” Heidi said.

 

“I know, Mom. I’m sorry. I just…I know it’s not true but...sometimes my mind convinces me that no one loves me.”

 

“I do,” Jared said, surprising even himself with the confession, but deciding not to take it back or play it off. “So you can tell your mind to fuck right off.” He waited for Evan to recoil from him or look at him with disgust, but he instead gave Jared a warm smile that probably could have made flowers grow. Evan reached out for Jared’s hand and squeezed it. Jared let out a shaky breath as he realized the weight that he had just taken off of his own shoulders with the few words he had just spoken, and his heart fluttered as he fully registered the fact that Evan’s hand was in his.

 

“Right back at you,” Evan said shyly, and Jared felt his stomach flip.

 

“I’m sorry I was such a bad friend to you,” Jared said, inhaling slowly. “I was just scared. But Evan, if you’ll have me back in your life I’ll change. I’ll be better. I promise.”

 

“Jared, all I need is for you to be you. I’m not letting go of you again, okay? Don’t let go of me either.”

 

Heidi took Jared’s free hand with hers, and the three of them sat there in the grass of the park, holding on to each other. “Let’s all agree not to let go of each other, okay?” Heidi said shakily. Evan and Jared both nodded, and Evan leaned his head onto her shoulder. Jared gently ran his thumb over Evan’s hand, and Evan shot him a smile that sent warmth all throughout Jared’s chest. Jared knew it was going to be okay, somehow. He had been too blind to see Connor, but he could see Evan, and he wasn’t going to let Evan out of his sight.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! <3 (I'll love you forever if you leave a comment but you don't have to)


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